20131226 @ Thursday, December 26, 2013
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drop XXI
I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.
How long has it been since I last typed a proper blog post...? Very long. Too long to the point for a moment I was asking myself how does one even begin a blog post. My blog is sometimes, well most of the times, filled with blog posts that are deep and depressing as fuck. Then again, this might be the best type of starter. My break is reaching its end, and a new semester would start. Then I would be a Year Two Sem Two Student. I hope I did not make the wrong choices when I chose my subjects earlier last two months, before break started. People's words keep ringing in my head. Telling me "can you even cope?". Thing is, I don't know. If no one talked to me about it, I would not be worried. I was not the type to worry when I make a choice, unless some one gave me a reason too. But, I did not want extra problems then, with my finals and break coming along. My parents would wanted me to choose more subjects. And I would be fine with their choices. I always have been. Nothing to worry about, I had hoped. I always have a strange sense of self-confidence. It was not really that sort of confidence but more to the lines of seeing things through after choosing a route. I need to see this to the end. Being the person I am, I hate having to change halfway and so on. It irks me and I very well know that I am a person who would give up half way through if I am stuck. My sense of perseverance is really low after all. Tolerance was one thing, persevering was another.
If I could, I want to get into reading mood again but judging by the lifestyle I am leading now, that itself is a far away dream. Countless of books are waiting to loved, and I am not ready yet. This is the same for everything else. If I am not in the mood, there's absolutely nothing anybody can do to force me into it. No matter how much I say I like/love it. I am, after all, a contradiction. Thank you, creator, for making me such a fucked-up, unique person for your amusement. I had hoped I make a fine show for you, but well, I was not meant to stand on the stage. Are you watching me on the sideways? I would always be a standby-er. Anything that happened, never felt real. In fact, I wonder if I am just in a dream or something.
Alright, I think I have enough for tonight, for this month, maybe. Perhaps, I would have more to ramble about again. See you.
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