20140218 @ Tuesday, February 18, 2014
0 +
drop xxiv
In the deep dark corners of my heart, lies a me who is always in deep thought.
I had always have a problem replying to people straight after they asked me something directly, face-to-face.
I get nervous, and would do anything to get out of the situation.
And usually, at those times, I can't think; I can't breathe; I'm scared; I can't think; must escape.
And I ended up shrugging the question off; smiling till the the topic is diverted;
changes the topic; looks away; acts really awkward; make something short up; say my i-don't-knows.
Problem is, this might just make me feel like people look at me
like I am some sort of person without an opinion of her own.
My non-existent self-esteem plummeted.
In all things real, if you would ask me a question at any point of the day
and I would quickly change the topic or do something to distract you,
rest assured that that question would be all i could think of all day long.
Though I might act like I couldn't care less - I do, in fact, an awfully lot more than you think.
I take love seriously, so seriously I wouldn't mind staying single for the rest of my mundane life.
Love isn't a game afterall; and I absolutely hate the ideas of monthsaries.
What I like is the moon - despite all the craters it may bear,
it still appear to me as the most beautiful thing ever.
Someone's whose dark side that I find so endearing, so beautiful
never overbearing, never overwhelming, never irksome.
20140125 @ Saturday, January 25, 2014
0 +
drop xxiii
Feels like everything is going the wrong way,
they appear fine but inside, they're breaking apart,
one by one, is it the way I think, the way I act, the choices I make,
to blame for this mess?
Am I really going the wrong way?
Is there a right way in the first place?
Why do I always make the wrong choices?
I don't know, right or wrong, I am forever lost,
in this labyrinth I call myself.
Will I ever find my way in life?
Will I ever be happy?
Hard to say, I'm not even making enough effort.
People keeps telling me otherwise,
but I know myself better than anyone.
Everyone is disillusioned,
no one sees the true ugly me.
20140101 @ Wednesday, January 01, 2014
0 +
drop XXII
The only thing that revealed that he was alive was this silent, slow movement in and out. Occasionally a nurse would shave his beard with an electric razor and use a tiny pair of scissors with rounded-off tips to clip the white hairs growing out of his ears and nose. She would trim his eyebrows as well. Even though he was unconscious, these continued to grow. As he watched his father, Tengo started to have doubts about the difference between a person being alive and being dead. Maybe there really wasn’t much of a difference to begin with, he thought. Maybe we just decided, for convenience’s sake, to insist on a difference.
― Haruki Murakami - 1Q84
The very first day of 2014. 新年おめでとうございます．
How was it? Your first dream (初夢) of the year?
I can't say mine was good, nor was it bad. Let's just say I'll have difficulties this year too.
After all, I have little to now tolerance for idiocy and people who can't seem to read the 'air' (空気よめない), disrespecting one's privacy. There's a line between me and people, if people can't even respect that fucking line, oh well. I can't hold my temper very well with disrespectful idiots. Just because you think you're being kind and shiz, that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Leave me alone (ほっといて).
Trouble brews in my 2014, hopefully I'll manage.
Enough with my pet peeves, I should be going on with my new year resolution.
Well, no matter what I think on the 31st of December of each fucking year, I will always fail to achieve those goatdamn resolutions. As they say, let your fucking resolutions go down the fucking gutter. Okay, I'm sorry, too much vulgar. Words are beautiful, I don't mind, so you shouldn't too.
1st of January comes and I'm like 'whatever' and anything will do (どうでもいい). Probably should get into reading mood, I say that to myself everyday but no. When I'm an old grandwoman, I'm gonna live up the hill, or by the sea (Venice) in a cute, cuddly cottage filled with books.
Three out of five subjects with acquaintances, that's some hardcore shit.
I would never go anywhere with people I'm uncomfortable with....
I hope to make some... I don't even know what I want anymore.
Dear Gohonzon, I'm not ready for my second semester.
20131226 @ Thursday, December 26, 2013
0 +
drop XXI
I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.
How long has it been since I last typed a proper blog post...? Very long. Too long to the point for a moment I was asking myself how does one even begin a blog post. My blog is sometimes, well most of the times, filled with blog posts that are deep and depressing as fuck. Then again, this might be the best type of starter. My break is reaching its end, and a new semester would start. Then I would be a Year Two Sem Two Student. I hope I did not make the wrong choices when I chose my subjects earlier last two months, before break started. People's words keep ringing in my head. Telling me "can you even cope?". Thing is, I don't know. If no one talked to me about it, I would not be worried. I was not the type to worry when I make a choice, unless some one gave me a reason too. But, I did not want extra problems then, with my finals and break coming along. My parents would wanted me to choose more subjects. And I would be fine with their choices. I always have been. Nothing to worry about, I had hoped. I always have a strange sense of self-confidence. It was not really that sort of confidence but more to the lines of seeing things through after choosing a route. I need to see this to the end. Being the person I am, I hate having to change halfway and so on. It irks me and I very well know that I am a person who would give up half way through if I am stuck. My sense of perseverance is really low after all. Tolerance was one thing, persevering was another.
If I could, I want to get into reading mood again but judging by the lifestyle I am leading now, that itself is a far away dream. Countless of books are waiting to loved, and I am not ready yet. This is the same for everything else. If I am not in the mood, there's absolutely nothing anybody can do to force me into it. No matter how much I say I like/love it. I am, after all, a contradiction. Thank you, creator, for making me such a fucked-up, unique person for your amusement. I had hoped I make a fine show for you, but well, I was not meant to stand on the stage. Are you watching me on the sideways? I would always be a standby-er. Anything that happened, never felt real. In fact, I wonder if I am just in a dream or something.
Alright, I think I have enough for tonight, for this month, maybe. Perhaps, I would have more to ramble about again. See you.
20130421 @ Sunday, April 21, 2013
0 +
Drop XX
やつと、分かりました。
Ah, if nothing more, I will only be talking shit here.
All my thoughts overwhelm me, making me forever depressed.
It had been awhile since my last post.
Possibly, laziness that prevents me from posting.
I don't know. Problems. Problems everywhere.
I don't fit in well. I feel like an outcast wearing a 'I fit in well' mask.
Hah, exactly. Everyone might feel I'm with them when I'm actually so empty inside.
Perhaps, just from time to time. I don't want anything from you, nor do I want to explain myself to you.
I just do whatever, as long as I get to move forward.
Move forward and closer to the end.
When will my role in this play end?
I don't give a damn about good and evil.
Okay, again, my posts don't make sense.
Whatever, I feel empty enough today.
And, well...
I'm still alive.
20130323 @ Saturday, March 23, 2013
0 +
Drop XIX
I thought of all the things I could write about today, nothing came to mind. Thinking too much will be the end of me. Haha, for a exchange, I'm living today without anything on my mind. Right, like that would happen. Jeez, once I go into it, I'll not stop till I blow up. I always write confusing things and such. Deep as it is, I tend to leave important points out, I live in secrecy. So saying, I am open is a lie. I cannot feel safe without having something known only to myself. But, I hate secrets, my existence contradicts with my thinking. The more I think, the emptier I become. Like a puppet with loose strings, the owner would get bored of it in time. That's it for today, even though this post doesn't really makes sense. Toodles. Have a good evening.
20130320 @ Wednesday, March 20, 2013
0 +
Drop XVIII
ごめんね、いいともになれない。
いっぱいいっぱいごめんにいってなれ、ゆるしてくれますか？
バカだから…僕は…本当に…
Been dying to blog since morning, but damn,
right now, I feel so out of it.
I feel so empty and lost, not knowing what i should do.
I wanted to write about how I neglected my friends,
being so self-absorbed and stuffs,
but I... not in the mood.
Then I should know what friends to keep and what not to,
but I can't just throw everyone aside,
all of them played a part in helping me,
I don't want to hurt them or actually
I just don't want to hurt myself.
My mind is stuck on those who put me aside,
or just me thinking they're close to me,
not realizing I was hurting someone else,
the way this person is.
I should know better, being abandoned for like 3-4 times?
I was even betrayed before but that's nothing since no one actually blamed me.
I am too used to being loved.
Everyone forgives me too easily.
And I continue to feel bad.
Still hoping they'd return.
Right, close your eyes.
If they wanted to, they may,
but you wouldn't treat them the same anymore.
If they could afford to leave once,
who says they're not going to leave the second time?
Omg, and I said I wasn't in the mood,
here I am ranting.
Reminds me, a friend whom I thought dearly of,
keep ignoring me, pushing me away,
it wasn't merely a coincidence.
It hurt a lot and when i finally let it go,
she comes back like its nothing.
Of course, I treated nicely, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I have trust issues, or not,
I trust too easily, too naive,
and yet I never show when I'm hurt,
Foolishness or plainly strength,
I do not know.
I shouldn't think too much,
I told myself ten times over,
and yet I'm still thinking about it,
there's no cure.
I am overly insecure,
Overly self-conscious,
Overly self-depreciating,
Overly hatred for people.
It doesn't matter if I'm hurt,
I hoped that you'd be happy and fine,
For you have done good to me.
Night.
20130311 @ Monday, March 11, 2013
0 +
Drop XVII
 |
| Stargazing sounds like one brilliant idea. |
Hi, been awhile since I last updated.
Currently in my Finals and final week for Diploma.
Getting out alive from the hellhole,
and find a greater hellhole.
Ah, what misery.
All that had changed about me
is my miserable age.
My life is miserable, or probably it's me the miser.
I feel dumb for a twenty year old.
I don't know what I want, or what I need.
If I could stay here forever,
but tis' not neverland.
I never write that much anymore,
for the reason I do not know of.
Perhaps, I grew emptier,
and all there is left is a shell.
Can you see me up there?
Can you hear me up there?
20130223 @ Saturday, February 23, 2013
0 +
Drop XVI
Crying is not an option.
But, even so,
I had hope for these cries to be heed.
20130222 @ Friday, February 22, 2013
0 +
Drop XV
I stared at my reflection,
and a asked a simple question,
which road is the right direction?
When there's no such thing as right or wrong.
There are moments I feel lonely,
even when I am not alone.
Well, after the festive seasons,
it's back to stress, assignments and finals.
Look at it this way, I lied to myself.
Anyways, due date is around the corner.
6 days left. What do I do?
I can't motivate myself.
And I go into blogging mood.
I'm just one sad kid.
20130206 @ Wednesday, February 06, 2013
0 +
Drop XIV
I have nothing much to say right now,
so I'll just write a little something of what happened awhile ago.
Days ago.
 |
| Embarrassing as it is, it's sweet. |
In a nutshell, days passed like nothing.
A week in Korea passed slowly, and quickly.
There wasn't a time to reminisce.
Then came classes, where I was way behind.
I struggled to catch up in class, the lazy way.
Never read up the chapters, that is usual of me.
Then exams came and everything was fucked.
The end.
Supposedly, I would write something emotional as usual,
but seems like not using laptop that much draws all the negativity.
I hate being tied down.
Freedom, I crave.
Yet, I am sure, someday, I'll find someone who I am willing to be tied down to.
20130121 @ Monday, January 21, 2013
0 +
Drop XIII
Every word is like shooting stars.
(Note; I did not fall in love nor did I out off it. I just felt like it.)
Anyways, hi.
Listening to Terrified by Katherine McPhee.
Looking at my Tumblr dashboard and I see this image.
"Is it okay to like you?"
For me, it seem like a very strong sentence.
When I fall for someone, so deeply, so hard, I shall ask him.
Hahaha, I cannot suppress my inner romanticist.
She's trying to break free.
I'm terrified.
In some ways, I am asking for approval.
Cause LOVE is ambiguity.
Cause LOVE is full of uncertainties.
And, I am very much afraid of that.
I only say it cause I mean it.
I only mean it cause its true.
20130102 @ Wednesday, January 02, 2013
0 +
Drop XII
Will you leave after I show you the ugly sides of me?
I can't help but draw a line between us.
I can't help but to feel a gap, a distance.
Are we really close?
Are we friends?
Do I know you?
Do you know me?
Do you even care?
Do I care?
Even so, what's more unbearable is the sight of you being bored of me, done with me, the sight of you walking away from my life, disappearing from my sight, like our bond was nothing to begin with.
Being alone for a moment, and I start feeling self-conscious.
Did I do something to upset you?
Why aren't you here?
Do you notice me, standing alone in this corner?
If you did, why are you still there?
You don't care about me right, to be honest?
It's okay, I'm fine being alone.
Really.
The moment the bond seems to shake, maybe it wasn't meant to be.
You deserve a better friend.
But, still, I enjoy being alone.
But, not for long.
I don't want to be annoying to you, so being detached is the only way to not cling to you.
Being close scares me.
What if I actually meant nothing?
Letting someone know everything about you is scary.
What if you got betrayed?
Without personal space, I feel naked.
I am afraid.
When I hide in my little world,
I can't help but feel that someone got hurt.
Cold, cold, go away, leave me alone.
Don't hurt me, leave me alone.
‘ You want to die. No... You want to be saved. ’
20121227 @ Thursday, December 27, 2012
1 +
Drop XI
I seriously miss high school. I actually regret not changing schools when I had the chance to.
The chance to grow up. I was scared of new surroundings, meeting new people, scared I might not fit in, scared not having my friends around.
So, I stayed in the highschool and continued my naivety.
And entered college.
What difference does it make?
I still end up going alone and met new people in a new surrounding.
I am such an idiot for holding on things that won't last.
Sigh.
I am always regretting, always hoping and always appreciating.
LOL
Does that make me humane enough?
And I am super selfish.
-
Truth is, I have fewer friends than anyone could imagine.
Just because I don't spend time with them, they think I am spending time with my other friends.
I spent most of my time alone.
Truth is, I don't have anyone that I treat better than everyone.
Everyone is disillusioned.
They think I am happy.
They think there is nothing I should be depressed about.
I have everything a normal person would ever want.
Is that it?
Am I not a person?
Am I not a person who would feel pain, who would hurt and be hurt?
I say, I hate humans.
And people come and ask, does that mean you hate me?
You know you're human too, right?
No one bothers enough to understand the meaning behind every word I say.
They take it as it is.
I was never a straight forward person.
And you'd expect my words to be straightforward?
Who's being naive now?
20121216 @ Sunday, December 16, 2012
0 +
Drop X
For my heart beats fast
I have wanted to blog one time sooner after my return from Singapore,
but was too preoccupied to do so.
Time drags passed, leaving me behind.
We met again on Saturday, my dear Australian friends.
Awkward moments transforms into a string of laughter.
I had hope, we'll meet again.
May our friendship lasts.
 |
| I am one who thinks bonds last forever. |
A string of unhappy events had led me to give up.
Give up on what? That's a secret.
For I only do things by my pace.
Goodbye dreams.
20121208 @ Saturday, December 08, 2012
0 +
Drop IX
 |
| You who have the complete collection, I envy thee. But, not for long, one day, I shall own it as well. |
Hello, my long un-cared for, blog.
Well, I have issues with long term relationships.
I get bored with things easily, I had hope it weren't the same with people.
That's just ruthlessly inhumane of me.
My finals week are over. There goes the second last semester of my diploma life.
Thank godness, those papers were done like-
Anyways, letting bygones be bygones, I hope this would stabilize my CPA or drop it or anything.
I had high expectations like having a 3.8 or something, but a person a like me-
Who live life for the sake of living, if I don't want to do something I won't do it-
What a shit person- but still, I'm not someone who's all fun and no work.
Rather, a person, who's all fun while mentally torturing myself with work type of person.
That aside, I really have nothing to say?
Let's see, a break for like 20++ days?
How many words can I write?
How many books can I read?
And how many episodes can I watch?
I, afterall, is life of books, words, and anime.
20121123 @ Friday, November 23, 2012
3 +
Drop VIII
Fingers moving swiftly across the keyboards, typing anything, anything at all.
Anything will do.
Then, I read Jiani's blog and I thought of love.
I thought of the last of Twilight and the fifty shades of fuckedup-ness.
I love Christian Grey.
I admit, I am a romantic little fellow. Though it's rather embarrassing to show to the world.
I was so used to putting a strong front, everything about love puts me in a tight corner.
It strangles me, and it's not that I hate it. I fear it.
If I give my heart to the wrong person, ...I do not wish to break down for anyone else rather than my own.
If all this time, I do not love, I do not know how to, what were those fleeting feelings?
Was my first love, a lie? I know, for sure, it was something I am not used to.
I love romanticism but I stayed away. I like romantic guys, especially when they think they aren't/
And tries hard to be. And succeed. And fail. And it still had been cute in your eyes.
For you, my all.
From books and movies, love messes people up.
Am I willingly to give everything up, to suffer for another person?
Haven't I suffered enough from love ones?
Am I willing to let someone, the only one into my heart?
What if he gives up, after everything? There would be nothing left of me.
And yet, I wished of one love, one true love. But, I would have to let go of freedom.
If I give in to my heart, I would have tattle on. I need self-control.
To never let anyone see everything.
I hung on to my mask till someone is able to take it off.
20121118 @ Sunday, November 18, 2012
0 +
Drop VII
I do not know where my life is heading to.
My life is vague, ambiguous and at most times, bleak.
Sometimes, I imagined myself to be successful, to be happy and most of all, free.
Sometimes, I imagines myself to be in pain, to be unhappy and most of all, chained.
I feel like I could not go anywhere in this life, unless someone guides me.
And it requires not a random someone but someone important.
Someone who can impact my life greatly as I can of his/her.
There is no boundaries and touching the sky would no longer be a dream.
Is this someone a fleeting dream? I asked myself, if this was all just a wishful dream.
And that the reality is, I have to do everything on my own, and the reason why I could not go anywhere in life was because I was a coward. I was a bird, afraid to spread one's wings, afraid to leave home and grow up, a bird without a clue how vast the sky really is.
Dear someone, would you please take my hands, guide me and make me spread my wings and fly?
20121112 @ Monday, November 12, 2012
0 +
Drop VI
おはようー(月)
Life has me flabbergasted. Right, why am I so lifeless?
"What should I do tomorrow?" I whispered to myself as I try to sleep every night.
And I end up wasting myself everyday with nothing. Feels like life is led only for it to end.
Can anyone tell me what purpose does my existence serve?
Tell me my raison d'etre.
20121021 @ Sunday, October 21, 2012
0 +
Drop V
For everything that occurs to me or my friends, I think alot about it.
The solutions, the consequences, others reactions, people's circumstances and I replay the scene over and over and even create a speech or sort.
I do find myself weird when I'm like this and it's kind of foolish and hypocritical.
I feel like I treat everything like a play.
But then, in the end I chicken out and lose myself in the most critical moment. How laughable.
So sick, I'd vomit blood. Hahahha one of these days.
I'm so stupid.
20120903 @ Monday, September 03, 2012
0 +
Drop IV
You are well-liked. You get along with just about everyone.
Even if, you're actually a very insecure person.
There's this guy who likes you a lot, a lot more than anyone else.
(You can see, by the way he takes care of you and such.)
He confessed before but you couldn't accept him.
You were scared, you want to but you fear disappointment and pain.
Even so, he remained by your side. No matter what happens.
One day, the strangest/scariest thing happened.
(Leaving it up to your imagination, it's something you fear most in the world.)
No one would help you. Tears flowed from your cheeks. Help me.
You reached out desperately,
(Even when you know no one would reach for you.)
and... he held your hands. He saved you. His feelings reached you.
You are fully aware of how much you can trust this person.
20120829 @ Wednesday, August 29, 2012
0 +
Drop III
To never lose my temper. To always be patient.
I will be kind. I will nice.
I will always have gratitude.
I know a lot has been going since my absence.
Well, whatever. It's all going to be fine.
Somewhere inside there's a emptiness that cannot be filled by everyone I had known and love.
I try not to worry bout that since right now, I'm still alive.
So, it will all be fine. Life is terrible. But, I'll be nice to it. Well, I try to be.
20120825 @ Saturday, August 25, 2012
0 +
Drop II
I've been in the dark for a very long time. Wait, I'm not. I just close my eyes from seeing the world. Dim light. What have I been doing? Sleeping. I wouldn't know if this is healthy. Pretty sure that much of sleep ain't healthy. Think about all the time that has been wasted. I'm always wasting my time, watching my life pass. The time is ticking and I'm still not moving. For what purpose was I given birth to? Is there any significance of my existence? No one knows me, truly. Not even I. Not even people who claim they do. Bunch of lies. They think I am like not but no. I know. I hesitated. Is that really who I am? No. No. No.
Someday, I'll meet someone. Someone who will understand and accept who I really am.
"Why are you smiling if you're actually unhappy?"
"Why are you going along with what I'm saying, when you're actually unhappy about something?"
"Why do you hide so much pain?"
Or something along the times. Someone who can know me better than me or my parents.
I could hide nothing. That someone would take my hand . Away from all this misery.
And for the first time, I would be happy. Till the end of time.
20120621 @ Thursday, June 21, 2012
0 +
Drop I
I can't go forward without change; that is why I always change.
To me, change is something that push me forward; so that I can catch up with life and time.
This time around, I will use a single picture / still life and all there's left for you to do is - imagine.
Oh yeah, I've gotten rather smitten with clothes - something I thought I would never fall for.
Since I am a hikkish-antisocial-otaku.
Wearing cute clothes would make my day seem brighter - since I'm a depressed one.
Wearing cute clothes would make my day seem brighter - since I'm a depressed one.
